Robert Smigel is the funniest human being alive

I think I'm going to die from laughing at this SNL special. Fun with audio is the best. He is a friggin genius.

Saturday Night Live is painfully unfunny except for Smigel

Those animations are so funny in contrast to the regular show. He must hate having to be on this horrible show when his stuff is so funny. It's like being an MVP type hitter on the worst team in baseball.

Thanks for the eye candy

So there I am, driving through the park and I do a triple take, "what what what?" when I see a pair of legs, no, two pair, playing against this, yes, you guessed it, loser. So I pull over just to absorb this beautiful sight for a couple of minutes. Alright five. Maybe ten. So both these girls (they're college girls ok?) have great legs and I'm watching and here comes the ball and she looks like every girl should when participating in any athletic event because it's so hot: like she's semi-retarded! She hits the ball with the other hand on the strings, pushing it to the other side. And then her equally hot friend takes her turn to match the level of retardation. That was so great as well, the fact that they switched after each couple of hits. That's not how you play tennis, which was what so great about it. Oh, I love women!

George Steinbrenner is that fat annoying kid on your Little League team

I just picture Steinbrenner as having been the kid that his parents are always insisting that he should play a certain position that he sucks at. That's how he still is, I think. He can't stand losing and bangs his fat fists on his high chair until his mommy (the GM) feeds his fat face with more ice cream(great players). Seinfeld hit the nail on the head with his portrayal of him. Especially funny and to the point was when Costanza had a calzone and King George was asking him,
George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium
"George : I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the stadium ,
don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend the doors
all the way to the floors ......
Mr. . Steinbrenner : All the way to the floor ! What are you crazy ! You'd
suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You know when I
was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It
looks pretty tasty .
George : It's a calzone , sir .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at
at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's
a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?
George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay let's
get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent .
excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous now . Okay
lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good .
Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple of those
calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Pigstein what's an eggplant calzone .
Must have one . Everybody out . Out ."

Major funny shiite

Dunkin Donuts gay ad campaign sucks

I can't stand commercials that try to kiss the consumers' collective asses to sell their product. Let's be so politically correct and.........Damnit, they have this stupid commercial with an emasculated boy in his homo soccer uniform in the backseat of the "soccer mom" 's van and it pans to the sister playing oboe etc. So here we are, Dunkin Dognuts bending over backwards to condone all the assholes who let their kids play evil soccer!!! I hate you!

Then they have this incredibly unimaginative stupid gay song on the radio, "Breakfast was so long ago and lunch is so very far away". I thought it might be tongue in cheek cheesy, but I don't think so now.

And the incredibly asinine and annoying, "DOING THINGS IS WHAT I LIKE TO DO.........YYYYYYYYYYES!" Oh! I want to vomit.

Furthermore, their coffee is way too expensive. DD sucks! I've had it!!

Jessica Alba is freaking beautiful.

That's all. She is.

Quite Frankly, I'm a phony

Stephen A. Smith is the name I came up with on Google. I had seen his show before and I see him tonight and he's really laying it on heavy the "in yo face" type of speech that he didn't use before. I don't think he actually talks that way. He is trying to "black it up". What phony fucking asshole he is. I think he's a white man in a black man's body that has to "talk black" to court the black man. What a phony fucking asshole. Just like Alicia Keyes who is so refined and speaks English better than many white people (RACIST ALERT!!!!! POSTER HAS JUST DECLARED THAT BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH AS WELL AS WHITE PEOPLE)"blacks" it up at reward shows to win favor in the black community.

So here he is talking to Jorge Posada laying on the black speak. I just wish Jorge would say, "Why are you talking like that? I don't lay on an Hispanic accent. I speak English as well as I can."

Mr. Smith is a bullshit phony idiot.

I get the feeling that the "Quite Frankly" guy hates white people

I just get that feeling. I really do. I don't like being hated. But I get that feeling. I welcome posts in relation to this.

Randolph trying to be clever (Bonds)

I want Willie to be a good manager for the Mets. I like some of the things he does. I hear tonight that he walked Bonds with 2 out and a runner on first in the first inning. Somebody explain to me how this is a good idea in the 1st inning of a game that has no score. I could see, a little, how that might be *possibly* a good idea a couple of years ago when Mr. Steroid Bighead was hitting everything out of the park. I didn't agree with walking him that much back then, because it just fed into his ego and made him much better than he was because of each teams' cowardice.
This year, Bonds is human and only has one home run. Willie, you are an idiot for walking him. I would say this even if the following batter had not hit a 3 run home run. Which he did. Willie you suck. You are an idiot.

Joe Morgan is an idiot (pt. 1)

When I was a kid, I admired Joe Morgan. I used to imitate his batting style with the flapping chicken wing. He was an integral part of the Big Red Machine. I might have, well, even...loved him.
Fast forward to present day. Just because you are great at playing a particular sport, it does not mean that you are also great at teaching the sport, particularly, those parts of the sport that you were not proficient in. I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with "in". See? I understand that I am not an English professor, even though I speak the language! Stay with me.
Morgan constantly goes out on a limb, spewing baseball untruths, knowing that he can say whatever because he was a great player. The problem is, he thinks he's right about these things and is drifting in some weird fantasy world where words come as easy as hitting a 95 mph fastball. He's a little delusional, folks.
Stanby for more..............

Enough with the stupid paintball already!!!!!!!!!

What is up with this paintball crap they are showing on ESPN? Do I really care about this or is it at all entertaining? I guess if you're heavy into paintball and all it's intricate strategies, but is it mainstream enough to waste our time on it? I don't mind the idea of paintball. I think it would be a lot of fun to try, but to make a sport of it that we have to watch? Please! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barry Bonds could stab a small child in the eye and it would be ok

I was watching the Giants vs. Dodgers game tonight and I see Barry Bonds going out to the field and a base coach for the opposing team gives him a handshake or 'five' and I'm thinking that he can do anything and it's ok. It's truly unbelievable. I completely admired him when he was with Pittsburgh. I always thought that he was better than Griffey Jr. because he could steal bases. Bonds was the complete player. Now, Junior is the main guy. He has dignity and always did. Go Junior.

Curtain call for making up for your mistakes?

Delgado made one error today. On paper. He hurt the team two other ways. He hits a three run homer in the eighth and the fans want him to come out for a "curtain call". Why? He made up for his miscues. What if it was a solo homer? If I was there I would not have asked for the cc. I would have cheered for the home run, a wonderful thing that he did. For me, he MADE UP for his miscues. Good for him. Great for him. I love it. But he's no hero for doing that. Unfortunately, people don't understand how poor defense hurts your team and just concentrate on offensive numbers and can't understand why their team can't make the playoffs with such a good offensive team.

My dog is needy

Here I am at the computer. Here comes dog. He puts his front legs up on my leg. I have tried to tell him to get lost. It only stays an "itch unscratched". I could tell him, "GET OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" a hundred times and he keeps coming back eventually. I realize that he needs his daily allotment of "love" from daddy. So I blow smoke up his dog ass and tell him, "Oh yesss, you a good dog, oooohhh, oh yeah, who's a good dog, who's a good dooooogg? Oh yeah." I lather him up with this shit until he's satisfied that I love him. Thankfully, it only takes about 30 seconds and he gets bored. But if I didn't do it, he would bother me all night. You stupid ass, get off me!!!!!!!!! I love that little shit, but he pisses me off when I'm busy. there.

Tiny bubbles

What is the alcohol content of the head on a beer? Think about it. You pour the brewskie and there's all these bubbles consisting of what exactly? To the casual observer, "Oh yeah that's carbon dioxide!!!" Are we so sure about that? What do we know about alcohol, that it evaporates quickly. I'm thinking, that maybe, those bubbles contain some stray buzz buddies that are going to waste. I could be all wet on this. Please advise. So there I am, glomming the fuzz as a noble experiment. I'll let you know my findings.

I kick ass on pop up ads!!!!!!!!!!

I have to be the Michael Jordan of pop-up ads! I don't think I've failed yet. I can always get the right answer (Who is this? Lindsay Lohan, Scarlett Johannsen or Jessica Simpson?), no matter what the category. And forget about that "punch the monkey" one. I rule.

Oh Goodie!!! Satan scored!!!

How in the hell (pun intended) does someone get the last name SATAN??? There is a hockey player on the Islanders with the last name of Satan. For real. They pronounce it, "shah tan". How bizarre is that? And how do you root for "Satan"? That would be creepy. Get a name change, dude!

Purposeful rippage offage (gas pump)

What is up with the gas pumps that slow down to a snail's pace for the last 60 cents? At my local Mobil station, it literally takes about 45 seconds to go through the "slow down" at the end of pumping gas. I've been to other stations where it's about 10 seconds of torture that you have to go through. Now when you are in a hurry, which is always, for me, those 35 seconds are precious. Many times, I have just slammed the nozzle back in the pump as soon as it starts to slow down, because I don't have time to wait for it. But then I think, "THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!! They did this on purpose!!!!!!!!!! They knew people would be in a hurry and they would stop the pump early and like Ebeneezer Fucking Scrooge they would count all the pennies they could squeeze out of a poor sap like me! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That pisses me off.

Barry Bonds is a scumbag asshole.

I am an avid baseball fan. I think it's the greatest sport ever invented. I have tremendous respect for all the great players in any sport, even for the "s" word (I guess. I mean there's gotta be somebody who deserves credit for playing that sport. Oh yeah, Pele!). I had always respected Barry Bonds and admired his skills and play with the Pirates. I always thought he was one the best players in the game if not the best, pre-steroids. At that point, I thought, he was a sure Hall of Famer.
Fast forward to the present. I am ashamed of how he has disgraced baseball with his cheating. "Racist!!!" you are saying! I know you are. I watched Mark McGwire when he was "breaking" Maris's record and thought, "this is not right, something is goofy here" I did not recognise, nor do I still, Mark McGwire's "record" of 70 homers. In my mind, actually, Babe Ruth should actually hold the record for the 156 game season and Maris should hold the modern record for a 162 game season. I always thought that when McGwire retired, he did so because he felt so guilty about breaking Aaron's record, which he would have done. I thought Bonds would do the same but he is a scumbag.

Curling is so f king retarded!!!!!!!!!!!

I could hardly wait for the page to load for this one. Who the hell came up with this stupid ass waste of time and who thought that it would be something that people would want to watch? This """"""sport""""" is.......... You know what it is. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? It is retarded on so many levels that it will just die a quiet death by itself, but please, do you have to show it on TV? That's it. I'm done.

"the wall", Madonna. Madonna, "the wall."

Madonna has hit the wall hard. She looks like a skanky tranny. There is nothing remotely attractive about her at this point and someone should kindly let her know.

Hard of herring

Did you ever have someone say something to you and you don't catch what they said and you say, "I'm sorry?", or "Pardon me" and they repeat what they said in exactly the same volume, inflection, everything? Here's the deal. If I didn't catch it the first time, one of the following has happened:
a. You didn't speak loudly enough
b. You didn't speak clearly enough
c. Both a and b
d. I have a hearing problem

Now, even if "d" is the correct answer, the solution to the problem is that the speaker must change something in the way he said what he said. It is not icumbent on the hearer to "hear better" !!!!